The thought train

Thought process flows from emotions. It’s as freewheeling as it gets. Sometimes it’s a necessary evil, sometimes it’s an unnecessary burden. While letting the occasional thought control you is ok in my book (I haven’t reached the state which Vivekananda or any other great men have talked about), it’s also important to observe the mind at work during these times. The following is an attempt to follow the journey of one such ‘thought train’…


Time: Late at night.

Place: At home, staring out blankly on a rainy night….

The ‘thought train’: While it doesn’t take much to swing my emotional pendulum, I also realized that even at these moments I have a choice at hand, and exercising the choice might not be a bad move if I understand the consequences of my action, rather than just letting my emotion carry me. Sometimes I need to change the current thought process in a way to get charged, like doing the opposite thing of what I am used to doing, if I’m not feeling good about what I’m doing.

I’ve been trying to find the source of all thoughts, the origin of which is needed to understand my ‘constant’ state of mind, not just the emotional part. One source, the true essence of every person that makes a person unique, is in their core, like a seed. Along the way we may sprout a lot of branches, and even bend or break a few of these branches, but the tree’s core is always true, and what we want to base our life. At least I believe that…

A thunder catches my eye, back to now... Presentation over, time for Q& As on above…

Q&A:

Q: ‘Have I found it, ‘the core’?’

A: That’s a tough one to answer – I guess I believe I have, but then my truth might be different from life’s truth. Only life has to prove me wrong. I’m not going to let that worry me, at least for now.

Q: ‘how do I know I’ve found it’?

A: Whenever I think (more like meditate) on the options at hand, and the choices that I might take, for some ‘choices’, I feel that something lets go and thoughts and ideas begins to flow much more freely, without any control imposed. And I look back at the choices that I have made in life, in career, the one common factor is the ‘letting go’ aspect. When I enter I have no expectations, just that I should earn my spot, belong there. Then eventually, the stopper comes and corks the flow. Either ‘corked’ by others, or the aspect of other roads, other options which I feel are necessary to explore.

Q: Why?

A: I often ask myself ‘why am I not content with what I have?’ And the answer varies based on my emotional state of being. When I am content in my career, that’s when ‘the road not taken’ seems more of a need than a luxury. Constant need to change, evolve would be my best guess for a reason (although it sounds pathetic), or ‘pursuit of happiness’, or destiny/fate…

Thoughts help only in understanding about me, not about understanding the external factors at hand. I’ll settle for 50% contentment & understanding any given day.

Q: Lots of loose ends, vague answers in the above thoughts. Is it that I don’t complete these thoughts, or that I complete them, but ‘censor’ them?

A: Like I said, for me many of the thoughts when I meditate are about exploring choices. Sometimes I realize that as I think through and plan to execute on thoughts, I might reach a crossroad of choices there and beyond. Sometimes the crossroads are early on in the journey, sometimes it’s later on. Like life’s purpose, I have only eye for the destination, and the journey is just means to the end. So when I start off, I tell myself I reasonably expect to travel in such and such way. Whenever in crossroads its usually the judgment of what seems to be the best course to reach the purpose that determines the path. Before getting ahead to all that, its important that it becomes a reality only if I actually action my thought. Not if it’s all just thought! So yes, some are deliberately vague, and some I know I much choose from the choices only after I travel that path, not before.

Q: A little bit more on the ‘presentation’. So what do I want to base my life on?

A: Well, I don’t want to be deliberately vague on this one, so will try to best explain my thought train: Starting point for everyone is always the roots of their ancestors. I believe from my own experiences I have learnt a lot on the choices and actions of my cousins, my uncles, basically my family, and friends on the paths they have chosen. So in essence I have travelled a parallel path on what many have travelled in their journeys. Now when I reach crossroads and see the trails of their paths cris-crossing, I am confident that I have so far chose to walk in the paths which are consistent with at least some of the choices that elders before me have experienced. That’s on the journey till now. I’m not saying that I followed one path or the other, but that I made occasional choices consistent with the thought process of the people that I respect.

Q: ‘Emotional pendulum’. So how do I base choices on if I can feel good about something and yet feel bad about the same thing later on?

For me, the learning part excites me, but the stagnation part feels constrained / contaminated. I feel if I don’t completely empty parts of life when I’ve reached a saturation point, I might become stale without constantly learning. It’s this constant need to keep both doors open, to allow fresh insights into my life and empty the parts which I don’t want to keep, is what keeps me going. So I don’t feel good or bad about something, I feel the need or lack of to be associated with it. That’s what I base my choices on. I feel that if there are some aspects which I like that I might lose as a result of my choice, then I try to (a) do something about it if its worth it, (b) fix it if its broken as a result of my action, (c) carry the memory, if its good but immovable, or (d) let it go - lay it to rest and move on. Again all of these choices and actions, I have in my control.
----------------------------------
Another thought, another day...